sick or sane?

Its been over a year since I've turned into the person I am. I don't know what turned me like this. The lady who writes and questions me thinks its my family. They don't know what to think. They miss the smileing little girl with long blond hair that told them of her day. I'm not the same kid I was when I was younger, and they will never know. I was the best they said. Now I'm not longer trusted by him, but atleast she still does. I want to find a way to forget everything that I know. They dont get this. I've just been going down hill. This house I live in is cursed. They don't undestand why I want to end this all. They think if I just swallow them down my throat it will cure this all. Well thats how I tried to end it all. I sew my mouth and they think its all okay. Maybe I'm okay and I've lost control of the only thing in life I thought I had a hold of. So I can't control myself. They think If I talk about it everything will be okay. What am I to say to them to leave me alone. ' I'M OKAY! I'M NOT CRAZY! NOTHINGS WRONG!' They dont get this. He wants me to get all the help I need. I dont need it he does, but he doesnt get it! I lost a perfect person to drugs, and anouther to an abuser. I can't forget a someone who was a deep love. They tell me somethings not right with all of this. It's like a cloud is always following me. Im a plauge. I don't know what has changed me. They think Its her. Shes a bad influence. You take her away you midaswell pull the triger. The little girl they all know has died and she will never come back, but they don't see that. I murdered her a long time ago. I don't trust anyone anymore. They never see what this does to them. Am I the only one that sees what this mass media does? They always expect something from me. They are expecting me to give them the answer of whats wrong with me. Its not that easy. They want to know why I chose to do all the things I've done. Well I dont know. So tell me how I'm to answer this and what to do. I have no control of what my life chooses! I didn't choose to be this like they believe. This is what holds me down. Why do we even care. Its not like its gonna matter in anouther 100 years. This life is a game of Russian Rulet. I swear that if I could I would take away all the pain I've caused everyone. I hold something, but I should just set it free before its taken away. I want it all to stop. Theres no bright side to this. Maybe this time I won't pretend to be alright and smile. Maybe I am alright if I can think and function.